My Own Truth

So it’s called ALWAYS in truth….

In the spirit of honesty, I have to admit that the absence of anonymity has caused me to be less inclined to spill my proverbial guts…  But, that was a choice I made and shall proceed to share a part of myself with whoever chooses to read this.

During the week that passed, I found myself considering the matter of personal truth.  That gut feeling, the one that sometimes tells you what you should be doing rather than what you want to be doing… I don’t necessarily mean your conscience; I mean something more than that, I dare say, like a “voice of reason”.  I have to admit, I don’t always like listening to mine-it often tends to ruin my fun.  But-yes the elusive but… Upon listening to that overly honest voice, I always find I have peace.  This voice can be likened to those brutally honest friends; you know the ones who, at times, seem to have little regard for your feelings but very high regard for your wellbeing.  These friends are so necessary but one should also be able to govern oneself in truth and reason.  To know what’s best for you and do the right thing-even if it cramps your style a tad.

Part of growing up I guess, is making decisions based on what‘s right and what’s best for you.  Here comes the “doozie” though, how does one determine what’s RIGHT and BEST?  I have found my answer to that-turns out I had the answer all along-it has been here in me all along and I am ashamed to say that sometimes I simply tuck it away in my mind because it doesn’t “suit” me…

For me, as a Christian, that voice has always been there and the “fundamentals of truth” have been instilled in me from a young age.  The problem comes when my mind, which is pretty much always chewing on some or other matter-to the point where that “matter” is at times tasteless and devoid of everything it once was when I am done with it… I over think things - deliberate and deliberate again.  This is not always a good thing though and doing so can smother the “voice of honesty” which is trying so hard to simply show me the RIGHT way… 

This may sound rather strange but I feel that at times my feelings get in the way of the REAL TRUTH. Fear is a huge factor for me, when I am afraid of something I tend to avoid it…  Though I can say that I have overcome so many fears of late, I still tend to sway from certain fearful matters.  There are other situations where I have realized that I purposefully avoid direct eye contact with those eyes of truth which often look upon me –waiting for me to connect my gaze with the TRUTH.  But, many times I don’t… because it means not having or enjoying something I want (as said above).  I am quite guilty of doing things even though I know I mustn’t- being fully aware that the TRUTH is these things are WRONG, yet I have repeatedly found ways of “justifying” my actions, soothing my conscience, allowing my feelings and wants to overpower what I know to be WRONG.

At the end of the day, I am responsible and accountable and I am quite sure that I will spend a significant part of my life (if not my entire life-which seems more likely), fighting the internal battle of truth verses want.

How much easier it would be, if simply doing what I want was… less effortless…

The twelve that have past…

I would like to push the proverbial rewind button and relay the happenings in my life, from the 08^th December 2010 to this the 08^thDecember 2011.

Tomorrow a year ago, I made a decision which immeasurably changed not only my life but the life of someone once close to me. As you well know I was in a very serious relationship, with a respectable man, one who loved me and whose heart is truly good. But he was not the right man for me. It took everything in me to deliver the final blow which would kill our very deep routed relationship. That Thursday evening a year ago, I broke a heart, but I saved two (for the long run) in the process.   

To describe all the happenings since that day would require the writing of a book, rather than a little page of me. I prefer the latter-as I have learnt that having to condense things forces me to only pick the stuff that matters!

So you already know the whole story of being homeless, moving house, being single, being in another (somewhat more short lived) relationship, which leads up to where I am now, a year later-single but happy. Over the last twelve months I have learned more than I think I have in the five years that proceeded. Nothing forces you to grow the F up more than being on your own-especially as a woman. Although shivery MAY be dead, I was one of the (fortunate or perhaps unfortunate) ladies who actually had many things taken care of for me. This however causes one to be lacking in experience, even when it comes to the most insignificant of things. So I gained independence and trust in myself. Two aspects I find absolutely invaluable and fear I would fight to hold onto.

To say the least this has been a year over overcoming.  Those close to me know that direction has NEVER been my strong point, these people will even go so far as to relay my most embarrassing experience-I won’t be telling you (not now anyway) but let’s just say I tend to take the “illogical long way round” instead of the “VERY logical just straight on through” route sometimes. This too could serve as a metaphor for my life and how it changed over this past year.  Being frightened of life and constantly feeling unsure causes your vision to blur or become very narrow-sometimes you can’t see that the next right (as in correct-since your aware of my “direction issues” ) step is right there in front of you-you just have to breath, trust and take it! Once you take that RIGHT step, a calm clarity pleasantly begins to reign where the stressful blur once was.  I went from a frightened, hole-hearted, lost girl to the (I dare say) brave, whole-hearted woman with a far greater sense of direction (on the road and in my life).   

I have seen and experienced sadness and heartache this year, it certainly had its downs but on a whole, looking back, not only at my life but at the lives of those close to me, it has been “A Good Year” after all!!

I can only hope that the next twelve months, and all the excitement and change they hold, serve to be as enlightening as the twelve that have past!

ALDEN

How far can one stretch the bounds of Friendship?

It is said that you can choose your friends but not your family. This is true-to a point. But then take a look at your closest friends and think back on how they came to be your trusty amigos and you may find that you were brought together, most likely, by situations or circumstances somewhat out of your control.    

Upon meeting one of my best friends, well, we didn’t have much time for one another to tell you the truth and then something happened, looking back-I can’t even remember what but we became friends and that’s that-I don’t think I chose her friendship-it just happened. Another friend and I have literally known one another since infancy and despite ups and downs along the way, she and I are still friends today. To give another example, I consider my two flatmates to be two of my closest friends and one of them I barely even know before we moved in together. Circumstances brought us together as friends, no real choice was involved.

However, we may become friends with people through little choice of our own at times, but, staying friends is a whole other ball game. As friends-real friends, we take the bad in with the good. No-one is perfect, that’s why we need them. Sometimes they build us up or keep us grounded, other times; they are simply there for us.

As friends it is our job to have each other’s best interests at heart and at times we may even voice our opinions on the choices our friends make. To a degree, this is fair and helpful but at the end of the day we are all the governors of our own choices and as friends, we don’t actually have that right we think we do… the right to judge our friends! What with us not actually having the right to judge at all… Even though at times we tell them how we feel about their decisions, purely out of care and concern.

I am going to go as far as saying there are times where, should our friends make decisions which make them completely happy and they are free of any literal danger (even if we aren’t in total agreement of their actions), as friends we should shut our mouths and allow our friends to be happy-truly happy. Does seeing them happy not inadvertently make you happy? We should not be selfish towards our friends, even if their happiness may come at a small cost, let them be, find a way to see the positive, the bigger picture-would you not want them to do the same for you?

Should you ever find yourself in a situation where your friendship with someone is marred by some sort of conflict or difference of opinion or choice that one or both have made. Think carefully before throwing in the towel. Think about the bigger picture, consider all angles and remember why this person was special to you to begin with. Listen to all sides before forming an opinion-subjective one sided aspects can lead to bad judgments and misconceptions-which in turn can poison a friendship.

As adults, we have far more control over our friendships and have the ability to speak more openly and honestly with one another-to resolve issues without unnecessary-immature drama- we all know better than that.

Hear each other out-before terminating friendships, they are precious and true ones are hard to come by in this fickle world.

Where I find myself...

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Timeworn as this term may be-it carries serious weight none the less!!!

It is always better to try-even if you don’t succeed and things don’t exactly turn out the way you had hoped or planned. Take what you can from it and move on!

I found myself contemplating as to whether I had recently made several bad choices in my personal life-due to the fact that things well, let’s just say they didn’t quite materialise as I had hoped. After serious thought on my part however, I realised that I hadn’t made bad choices. I followed my heart-took the leap and, although things didn’t work out, I am happy I tried.  Rather than spend my years wondering what could have been. 

Here’s what I have decided to take out of what could perhaps be construed as (another) unsuccessful relationship.  I am an all or nothing kind of girl, I cannot do the in-between.   I am not willing to be in a relationship which finds my ass more often than not perched on its back seat. I am not saying that I am some high maintenance diva type who demands 24 hour attention. But rather, I refer to an adult relationship whereby one’s partner is one’s priority. I refuse to settle; even at the risk of being alone I will remain hopeful. Although I refer to this little item of mine as part of my road to self-discovery, I know who I am fundamentally, which makes it easier to know what you want.

Sometimes a girl’s got to kiss a few frogs-now I am by no means insinuating that those I have kissed in the past have been amphibious in nature at all. I just haven’t found my Prince yet. I know what you’re thinking… that’s not real life, there’s no such thing as fairy tales and I am filling this page with more clichéd notions of love.

I MUST ASK, have you read Captivating and/or Wild At Heart by John and Staci Eldredge, I am not advocating these authors personally and nor am I attempting to market their literature in any way. I just agree with them.  They refer to the fact that we women, since we were little girls find ourselves harbouring acutely strong associations with the Princess’s in the films we watched or books we read and this perpetuates that longing for our Prince Charming to come and sweep us off our feet. This may be an unrealistic notion, to some. I have however witnessed said sweeping and personally know, a few lucky ladies who have found their true Princes.  The makings of such a Prince differs from person to person, each woman is different and as such is (deeply within) attracted to specific characteristics which send off the signal inside that she has indeed found her Prince Charming. The thing is though, what Staci and John also explain is that it’s not the stories that actually caused us to feel this way, it’s simply how we were designed as women. I really do think we all long for the three things the authors of the abovementioned books refer to (you’ll have to read the books to know what they are) but you’ll notice that the longings of these opposite sexes seem to mesh well…  Finding one’s Prince, to me would mean finding the man who lights up and fulfils your longings while you simultaneously do the same for him.

Hopeless romantic, you may say… Perhaps! But I must ask, what on earth is the point of it all if you cannot be completely fulfilled in your love for someone else and with their reciprocal love for you? That’s part of what we were made for!!! To love!!!  To love AND be loved- truly and openly and unconditionally. Why settle for anything less!!!

The ones left behind.

Sounds a little dramatic that title does huhJ

It’s not though, I am not referring to death but merely departure and the resultant effect of someone being left behind as someone else embarks on an expedition (of any sort).

I am slightly stuck here, in order for me to properly give a view on the above; I would have to first have experienced this feeling of “desertion”. I have however been fortunate enough to be spared from this feeling until thus far in my life.

From observation however, I am of the opinion that it is no easier for the one leaving than for the one staying behind.  This too is irrespective of gender.  

Perhaps our generation has become slightly soft. For our parents and grandparents, that the sting of departure and the lingering time encompassed therein, was the norm.  Both man and woman knew the inevitable. Newly wedded couples spent months apart at a time and there were fathers who never saw their babies grow. In my country, we may not have the army taking our significant others from us but business travel is a reality which greats most of us. We are not stagnant by nature and thrive to improve ourselves, our lives and our careers. This often requires travel- to potentially far destinations and for potentially long periods at a time.

One cannot begrudge one’s significant other for leaving “on business”- we must do what we need to do and for some fortunate few, what we love to do!! Travel very often forms part thereof. And, more often than not, someone is left behind…

Let’s initially take it from the perspective of “the one staying behind”. So I am with someone, who inevitably will be leaving for a long period of time, to a destination not reached by vehicle (from where I am anyway) and, where technological communication may be hindered at times.  My question is; how do you prepare yourself for the “departure date”?  And, thereafter, what’s the best way to handle the situation?

Do you simply man the f up and carry on, doing your best to just not think of that other person? Do you take the drastic route and rather terminate the relationship upon departure so as to “spare” each other’s feelings when longing increases and things get harder to handle? Do you remain completely positive at all times (which we would all love to do in all circumstances but it’s never that easy or that simple), remembering that that person is doing what they love and though the distance sucks, it’s not the end of the world…?

The moments of pining are sure to come. The moments of sad self-pity are sure to come. The moments of insecurity are sure to come. And… one will get used to it, to the point of being able to completely function  fully and perfectly well without the person who left. Life goes on!! Whether we want it to or not! It does and it will.

So what should one do?

I don’t actually have the answers thereto. I do however know a few things that MAY help (but we will have to see-and in time we shallJ). I know that life is short and (at the risk of sounding like a hallmark card) we really must make the best of it. So, if you enjoy spending time with someone and you care about that person, do so-even if they are going away. BUT, when the time comes time to say goodbye-the sad self-pity route isn’t going to be constructive-it may be inevitable at times (particularly late at night when one is all alone)but it is not going to win thebattle. Like anything in life-we have a choice! Yes, it will suck, to have the person you care about fly away for a potentially undefined amount of time, but life carries on, you can still be happy! Miss that person but allow yourself to be happy still, find things to take up the time you would have spent together (I am not saying forget it all and move on) but find the coping mechanism that works in a positive way and think of that person with happiness and good longing for safe return-not in sad woe-is me longing which will make that person feel worse about not being there…

BUT-HAHA! I have a big mount now! I realise that! I am preaching to myself is all-trying to cement in me the notion of positivity and happy longing rather than the sad kind…

I shall be taking the journey sometime and will share my perspectives as I go along! I fear I may be commenting on this later with words depicting my naiveté and sheer ignorance.

Posted though, you shall be keptJ  

Tribute to those who teach me with their words…

Tribute to those who teach me with their words…

To quote one of my fave’s, Florence And The Machine have a song called The Dog Days Are Over, in which she sings; “Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back, Struck from a great height, By someone who should know better than that…” Now these words are something to ponder, how happiness can literally come from out of nowhere, and is often sourced by the most unexpected of areas. Do yourself a favour and listen to the song, notice how she says run fast… I think she is saying grab this moment of happiness and run with it while you can. Take the chance-yes, it came as a surprise-hit you like a train on the tracks but go with it-take it all in while it is still here! This is a beautiful and daunting notion, since the leap into happiness, letting go of every inhibition and reservation means opening one’s self up for potential heart-ache and pain. That’s part of life though-pain reminds us we can still feel, it keeps us alive. We should not fear it!

I find I have always had very specific dreams of “happiness” for myself! When I was about 19, I had it all planned out. Was going to be married by 24 and have my first child by 26. Ha-it’s hilarious to think of it now! Although I realise there are in fact very many people for which that specific dream did in fact reach fruition and they are perfectly happy. Life however-had other plans for me-or rather, to be fair, the series of choices I made (whether good or bad) lead me to where I am today. And, I am secretly bursting with excitement at the prospect of discovering true happiness-BLISS. Whether it is short lived and / or followed by tremendous pain makes no matter.

I do want to get married and have babies with a wonderful man whom I adore and I am looking forward to doing the work. By doing the work I mean love him enough to fight for and with him to make it work together. But I am not there yet. And when I am I want to continue my journey of happiness, with him. I am of the opinion that true happiness and inner peace will go hand in hand. I am talking about soul happy-not just mind happy! For cheap thrills will quench the mind (or even the body) a little for a while but will never truly satisfy, not to mention said thrills are tremendously dangerous for the soul. Finding GENUINE happiness will ease the soul into a state of contentment-I thinkJ

Circumstances today, lead me to re-read one of my favourite poems; Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night, by Dylan Thomas. I have always felt this poem is telling us that we must not be afraid to act, to really live while we are alive and not wait until we are on our death-beds, fighting for one more moment to do what was never done. It’s about the regrets man faces of things left un-ventured, of the roads not taken and “the one’s” that got away. Regrets….  Dylan is telling us to live, without fear so that when we reach our end one day, we look back and see that our words had in fact forked lightning and our deeds where not frail and did dance in a green bay.

So think about it, where-ever you find yourself on this journey called life. Don’t give in to fear, be brave - be happy. 

Amity....

This is my journey in which I document my exhumation of life as I know it. Life is about love and love takes on many forms.  Although thus far it would appear that the subject of my writing is that of love with respect to the opposite sex, I do in fact have more to add then that. For aside from love for our families-which is of cardinal importance in establishing a happy life (I think), we must have love for our friends.

This past weekend (which rates VERY high on my fun scale thus far), I came to the realisation that friendship is as important as having clean air to breath. To love your friends, for whom and what they are and ALLOW them to love you back. Now this is a platonic kind of love which bears as much to the soul and of the soul as any other non-platonic love may.  It’s never easy to really open up to someone, we all harbour fear of judgment and ridicule from others, this may stem from past experience or from purely never experiencing TRUE friendship before. Tis normal to fear, in love of the platonic and non-platonic kind but know this, the friendships you nurture and cherish will surpass the non-platonic relationships that may fail. This I can personally attest to.

Your friends are the ones you let in, by that I mean, you let them see you for who and what you are, or rather, they saw you for who and what you are and chose to support you anyway. They will not always agree with the choices you make and it is their job to inform you, should you be lead astray or be about to make a fowl decision. But, as much as it’s their job to warn you, it’s their job to support you should you fall non-the less. This is the hard part, but it is the real part. HOWEVER-in order to have your friends stick around for the real parts, you need to nurture your friendships, don’t shut them out, and don’t be afraid to bear the truth to them.

More important than the above is that friendship is a reciprocal relationship!!!!!!! It’s not all about  JUST take take take or JUST give give give. Yes, some of us are by nature either givers or takers, very few individuals are equally blessed in this department. So, if you’re a giver, don’t let your friends trample on you simply because you enjoy the giving-you deserve take too!!! Likewise, should you know that you are a taker by nature, learn to be more giving and put your own needs aside for the sake of your friend’s needs for a change. Without reciprocity, friendship-or any relationship for that matter, will simply not survive.

Ha-am not as wise as that paragraph just made me appear to be, am but a scholar myself. I have just had the opportunity of seeing both sides of the coin in my life and thus know that friendship is worth having and worth giving a part of yourself for.

Who else is going to tell you to man the f up when you’re wallowing in self-pity or tell you to wake the f up and come back down to earth when you become full of yourself or better yet, laugh with you when you do something daft like, oh I don’t know, flashing random passers-by… J