See what's there, not just what you want to see...

I fear I may have been a bit quick to judge. Recent events have caused me to take a look back at my first post and I feel the need to review and amend a few things. I am afraid that the initial post is a tad biased and stems somewhat from a slightly bruised ego. The past has left me a little insecure (a revelation I CRINGE at and saying it out loud-admitting that I’m afraid and that I have been hurt and have myself been marred by my previous relationship-admitting weakness, this is a tough one at that, for weakness implies to me that someone else had strength over me-that I ALLOWED that someone else to have strength over me and I was badly hurt in the process) and as such I reacted inappropriately, childishly even. Not taking into consideration that the subject of said post may in fact be a chivalrous man who was somewhat shy and simply didn’t want to go rushing into anything, that he too may have suffered in some way (relationship-wise) in the past. And let’s face it, as much as we have grown from and healed since our past relationships, they do inadvertently effect how we approach a new/potential relationship. Sometimes with more caution, other times we may feel the need to take more risks but either way, they have a definite effect.

I have no right to, if and when I am with a guy and he fails to make some sort of advance to show that he is interested, assume that he is simply not interested. I can also not automatically assume that a guy is ball-less because he doesn’t come up to a girl and ask her out (am still struggling with this one though!).  The point is, I cannot be as sexist and facetious as to assume that men are not equally as affected and marred by relationships as what women are.

I am now looking at things very differently (or trying to at least) because I do not wish to be a cynical hag who slanders men and who ends up in a feline infested house (I am merely making this slightly extreme and outlandish generalisation to illustrate a point) ALONE, because I was too stubborn to notice that I am not perfect and things are not going to just magically fall at my feet. No, in order to find real love and be in a (proper-meaningful-working) relationship, one must first be open, despite the fear, doubt and pain stemming from the last/past relationship/s (which is far easier said than done) but  very possible, in time.

One must quiet the battlefield within, the one in which fear and doubt and pain are like the shielded army, outnumbering your courage and hope and faith by dark masses. Tougher victories have been secured!! I’m not going to quote Braveheart or 300 (don’t worry) but will say this: MAN UP!!!  

Veil of Veracity

So, if Evangeline and her perpetual truth were to grace the pages of a social network, it would take merely the glance of two sentences (by those who know her true identity) to realise who she really is.  I fear writer hereof may not quite ready for such stripped exposure.

Removing myself from the third person, I have to admit I have long pondered the possible repercussions of such exposure, no doubt some of those able to identify certain of their own characteristics within the protagonists I have presented,  will be  somewhat “peeved” to say the least. It is not my intention to hurt anyone on my path, but I, at the risk on coming across as a little callous, cannot always consider the feelings of others before my own. 

So, should this blog ever be acquainted with other, more often visited parts of the internet realm, I will have to simply take things as they come. Perhaps I think too much of my little “piece” and no one pays it any mind. This is probable. However, I cannot help but secretly hope for that NOT to be the case. I would quite like to spark the interest of a person or two along the way.

I am also open to criticism, I will of course use my discretion in determining whether said criticism is of a constructive nature, or not…

Even those of you who are merely breezing through this will now be thinking that I am not who I say I am. Which may lead one to think; “How can she call her blog ALWAYS IN TRUTH and not even use her own name?”  Should that thought be flashing through your mind, I will not begrudge you.  Although, to be fair, the names are the only falsehood I present you with.  Each scenario of which I speak is true and not adapted in any way. 

When you read things from now on, don’t mentally harp on the fact that I actually go by another name, tis merely an emotional shield at this tender stage of my writing. I do intend on relinquishing myself from this nom de plume, in good time.  For now this slender shroud will leave me feeling safe enough to reveal the aching truths which lurk within me, belligerently trying to stay in the safe darkness they have become so accustomed to.  

Hmmm… got a little heavy there near the end! In all seriousness, I will at times reveal the darker truths within but this is something I do not wish to delve too deeply into as yet. For now, I will try keep it real- hoping that reality is more often sprightly in form and makes for an entertaining read.

It's all been said... but here's my 5 cents (in truth)

They say your twenties are the years you’re meant to make mistakes. Now I understand that there are certain things can only be understood through experience. I do however feel that age and wisdom do not ALWAY go hand in hand. I happen to know a few “aged” folk who have less sense than a teenager, let alone someone my age! I also happen to know a large amount of twenty-something individuals of sound and mature judgment-I live with two such individuals. So the whole age and wisdom thing is highly debatable, I feel. Yes, certainly with experience comes knowledge but if we don’t actually learn from the experience, and continue to act as we did when we were young, it is as good as not having had the experience at all!

 I can honestly say that at my (somewhat) tender age, I have certainly made my fair share of mistakes and bad judgment has overwhelmed my decision making far more than once. I shall not proceed to list the undertakings of my slightly ill guided youth-nothing good can come of it. What I now need to do is “grow up”-mature, if you will. Learning from the mistake is one thing, but to truly mature, one would need to repair the damage made by the mistake and change one’s self accordingly-so as to make a success rather than failure of oneself.  You can’t go back, you can’t undo what was done, you can only face the fact that you f-d up and get on with repairing yourself. I say “yourself” because like it or not, the mistakes we make affect us as a person, they tend to bite juicy chunks out of the steak that is your self-esteem. There is usually a point where all seems lost, hopeless, end of the world-ish… If and when this happens you have to give yourself a proverbial “headslap”!!! Self-pity aint going to get you anywhere!!!!  Yes, it sucks to look back and think of how things went wrong or what could have been, but they did go wrong and you have to accept your hand in it all! I have fully acknowledged my hand (perhaps both were involved) in my past mistakes. I tend to joke about it-to soften reality’s blow, but fact is, I f-d up, I made bad choices and yes they sting when thought of-some even make me feel physically ill. But, it’s over. I don’t want to say one can’t go back-you can, very easily at that! Repeating mistakes is easy, truly learning from them-by CHANGING your ways is infinitely harder-but equally possible!!!

So here I am, not trying to undo the past but trying to re-shape my future, despite my past inaccuracies.  

Thursday.... 2

So this week we celebrated Claire’s 26^th Birthday. Rileigh and I had conjured a weekend of fun for the celebration, last weekend. It started with dinner at an Italian Restaurant, followed by dancing the night away (at a no under 23’s club). The Saturday evening we spent giving ourselves a little at-home-spa-treatment.

We decided to keep it all a surprise and presented Claire with a series of riddles and clues leading up to the weekend’s events. Friday came and Claire still had no idea what the plan was, I was revelling in every minute of the suspense-I love surprises-even if they’re for someone else! We had her pick a sexy number from the (combined) closet. We all went for above the knee dresses, despite winter’s nearing clutches. So all dressed up, we headed off and were joined for dinner by Zoe and her boyfriend. After dinner Zoe went home as she felt ill but her boyfriend joined the three of us as we ventured to the club.

Upon getting our drinks and taking up a spot in the club, we were pleasantly surprised to observe that we were in fact surrounded by an inordinate amount of (very) good looking men. For Rileigh and I this was somewhat amusing since we had not really been “out” since our status changed to that of single.

Claire was pleasantly surprised and was enjoying herself tremendously, we all were. The night however sparked my interest with respect to the interaction of twenty-something’s in a social environment. It has come to my attention that a club-environment is in fact THE ONLY environment in which the male twenty-something feels “confident” enough to actually approach the finer sex. Bars don’t seem to do the trick, perhaps it’s the dancing vibe in the club and the ability to get slightly up close and personal on the dance floor and such, which enables them to “man the fuck up”.  Only, they aren’t though, manning up that is, since the only way they seem to be able to do so is under a state of semi-intoxication, in an ill-lit, loud environment. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy this “interaction” as much as the next girl, I would just like to know why they (the twenty-something men) can’t approach a girl in broad day light, without any form of alcoholic beverage being a catalyst thereto…

So I am left to wonder, are we too intimidating (which I doubt) or do the males of our time suffer from a condition of ball-less-ness? I am starting to lean towards the latter… Pure frustration drives me thereto! I know chivalry is dead but a girl can’t ALWAYS do the chasing! I would rather like to be pursued than to pursue! I’m not saying court me like back in the day, but just don’t be afraid to come up to me and strike up a conversation-during the day-sober!!!

I intend on making it my next little project, to observe and try to better understand WHY it is that men cannot approach woman with ease. Sure there are the few gallant (and perhaps valiant) attempters here and there, these are however few and far between and sadly tend to fall within the creep side of the spectrum… By this I mean they tend to prompt that little voice inside your head say “back away slowly, this one’s trouble” and not trouble in that “Hot-broody-bad-boy” kind of way, but rather the “escaped from a state penitentiary” kind of way… Alas!

I do however remain eternally optimistic and hopeful that there ARE men out there (non-psycho men, who are both decent and attractive), who do not suffer from said “ball-less-ness” and who will prove my theory wrong!

Background...

Initially I had decided to give you a brief overview of my past, so that you may better understand where I am in the present-I decided against that however! Writing about the past seemed to take me off on little tangents and I am not yet ready to expose myself so.

Instead, we shall start at the end of last year (being 2010). I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, two weeks before Christmas.  Sounds awful, because it was, I had loved him but had not been truly happy with him for a very long time. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach (the one that one SHOULD listen to but so often doesn’t), the feeling which was unavoidably telling me that I was not in the right relationship and that I was not going to find true happiness with this man. I tried blocking it out though, I moved in with him and pretty much changed myself in the hope that I would feel THAT feeling, the one people always talk about, that feeling where you “just know” that you're with “the one”, even during hard times… I never had that, couldn’t find it, couldn’t get myself to feel it. So, I left him, devastated and heartbroken, him, more than me. I took it better than I had expected. I was heartbroken indeed but more relieved than anything else, like an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This feeling however, was quickly replaced by guilt. He took it worse however. I had become like a stone inside with respect to him, as opposed to the pathetic meek little girl I had allowed myself become during my relationship with him.  I do however not wish to speak ill of him, or cause you to think the same. He was a good man with a kind heart; his heart however should belong to someone other than me. We were far too dissimilar and so I had to sever the bond which was causing me to fade. I could now become strong again and regain the parts of myself which I had suppressed to the point of near extinction.

You remember I mentioned that I was living with him; yes well this meant upon breaking up with him, I was somewhat homeless…

My friend Rileigh came to the rescue though, she let me stay by her till January while I still had to go to work. I stayed with her for two weeks, until I went home for Christmas.

January I spent at another friend, Zoe, who stayed in a garden flat very near to where I worked. Zoe was planning on moving in with Rileigh and Claire (another friend of mine), in February. The initial plan was for me to take Zoe’s place in the February when she moved out but Zoe decided to keep her place, so I took her spot in the house with Claire and Rileigh. It was while sleeping on Zoe’s couch that the subject from my previous little anecdote contacted me…

So February came at last and the three of us moved into our new place, it was awesome (still is). Claire’s boyfriend lives in the same estate, along with Zoe’s boyfriend. It’s cool having the guys near, makes it more sociable. So, did I mention that Rileagh’s boyfriend and my Ex, (who are really good friends), moved in together.

We have been living happily in our little house for four months now, in which time I changed jobs, Rileigh broke up with her boyfriend and Claire’s boyfriend had to go (rather far) away on business.

That pretty much brings us to present  day-well to last week Friday at least, where the next segment will begin. During which time I will ponder the ball-less-ness of the twenty-something male.