See what's there, not just what you want to see...

I fear I may have been a bit quick to judge. Recent events have caused me to take a look back at my first post and I feel the need to review and amend a few things. I am afraid that the initial post is a tad biased and stems somewhat from a slightly bruised ego. The past has left me a little insecure (a revelation I CRINGE at and saying it out loud-admitting that I’m afraid and that I have been hurt and have myself been marred by my previous relationship-admitting weakness, this is a tough one at that, for weakness implies to me that someone else had strength over me-that I ALLOWED that someone else to have strength over me and I was badly hurt in the process) and as such I reacted inappropriately, childishly even. Not taking into consideration that the subject of said post may in fact be a chivalrous man who was somewhat shy and simply didn’t want to go rushing into anything, that he too may have suffered in some way (relationship-wise) in the past. And let’s face it, as much as we have grown from and healed since our past relationships, they do inadvertently effect how we approach a new/potential relationship. Sometimes with more caution, other times we may feel the need to take more risks but either way, they have a definite effect.

I have no right to, if and when I am with a guy and he fails to make some sort of advance to show that he is interested, assume that he is simply not interested. I can also not automatically assume that a guy is ball-less because he doesn’t come up to a girl and ask her out (am still struggling with this one though!).  The point is, I cannot be as sexist and facetious as to assume that men are not equally as affected and marred by relationships as what women are.

I am now looking at things very differently (or trying to at least) because I do not wish to be a cynical hag who slanders men and who ends up in a feline infested house (I am merely making this slightly extreme and outlandish generalisation to illustrate a point) ALONE, because I was too stubborn to notice that I am not perfect and things are not going to just magically fall at my feet. No, in order to find real love and be in a (proper-meaningful-working) relationship, one must first be open, despite the fear, doubt and pain stemming from the last/past relationship/s (which is far easier said than done) but  very possible, in time.

One must quiet the battlefield within, the one in which fear and doubt and pain are like the shielded army, outnumbering your courage and hope and faith by dark masses. Tougher victories have been secured!! I’m not going to quote Braveheart or 300 (don’t worry) but will say this: MAN UP!!!  

Veil of Veracity

So, if Evangeline and her perpetual truth were to grace the pages of a social network, it would take merely the glance of two sentences (by those who know her true identity) to realise who she really is.  I fear writer hereof may not quite ready for such stripped exposure.

Removing myself from the third person, I have to admit I have long pondered the possible repercussions of such exposure, no doubt some of those able to identify certain of their own characteristics within the protagonists I have presented,  will be  somewhat “peeved” to say the least. It is not my intention to hurt anyone on my path, but I, at the risk on coming across as a little callous, cannot always consider the feelings of others before my own. 

So, should this blog ever be acquainted with other, more often visited parts of the internet realm, I will have to simply take things as they come. Perhaps I think too much of my little “piece” and no one pays it any mind. This is probable. However, I cannot help but secretly hope for that NOT to be the case. I would quite like to spark the interest of a person or two along the way.

I am also open to criticism, I will of course use my discretion in determining whether said criticism is of a constructive nature, or not…

Even those of you who are merely breezing through this will now be thinking that I am not who I say I am. Which may lead one to think; “How can she call her blog ALWAYS IN TRUTH and not even use her own name?”  Should that thought be flashing through your mind, I will not begrudge you.  Although, to be fair, the names are the only falsehood I present you with.  Each scenario of which I speak is true and not adapted in any way. 

When you read things from now on, don’t mentally harp on the fact that I actually go by another name, tis merely an emotional shield at this tender stage of my writing. I do intend on relinquishing myself from this nom de plume, in good time.  For now this slender shroud will leave me feeling safe enough to reveal the aching truths which lurk within me, belligerently trying to stay in the safe darkness they have become so accustomed to.  

Hmmm… got a little heavy there near the end! In all seriousness, I will at times reveal the darker truths within but this is something I do not wish to delve too deeply into as yet. For now, I will try keep it real- hoping that reality is more often sprightly in form and makes for an entertaining read.

It's all been said... but here's my 5 cents (in truth)

They say your twenties are the years you’re meant to make mistakes. Now I understand that there are certain things can only be understood through experience. I do however feel that age and wisdom do not ALWAY go hand in hand. I happen to know a few “aged” folk who have less sense than a teenager, let alone someone my age! I also happen to know a large amount of twenty-something individuals of sound and mature judgment-I live with two such individuals. So the whole age and wisdom thing is highly debatable, I feel. Yes, certainly with experience comes knowledge but if we don’t actually learn from the experience, and continue to act as we did when we were young, it is as good as not having had the experience at all!

 I can honestly say that at my (somewhat) tender age, I have certainly made my fair share of mistakes and bad judgment has overwhelmed my decision making far more than once. I shall not proceed to list the undertakings of my slightly ill guided youth-nothing good can come of it. What I now need to do is “grow up”-mature, if you will. Learning from the mistake is one thing, but to truly mature, one would need to repair the damage made by the mistake and change one’s self accordingly-so as to make a success rather than failure of oneself.  You can’t go back, you can’t undo what was done, you can only face the fact that you f-d up and get on with repairing yourself. I say “yourself” because like it or not, the mistakes we make affect us as a person, they tend to bite juicy chunks out of the steak that is your self-esteem. There is usually a point where all seems lost, hopeless, end of the world-ish… If and when this happens you have to give yourself a proverbial “headslap”!!! Self-pity aint going to get you anywhere!!!!  Yes, it sucks to look back and think of how things went wrong or what could have been, but they did go wrong and you have to accept your hand in it all! I have fully acknowledged my hand (perhaps both were involved) in my past mistakes. I tend to joke about it-to soften reality’s blow, but fact is, I f-d up, I made bad choices and yes they sting when thought of-some even make me feel physically ill. But, it’s over. I don’t want to say one can’t go back-you can, very easily at that! Repeating mistakes is easy, truly learning from them-by CHANGING your ways is infinitely harder-but equally possible!!!

So here I am, not trying to undo the past but trying to re-shape my future, despite my past inaccuracies.