My Own Truth

So it’s called ALWAYS in truth….

In the spirit of honesty, I have to admit that the absence of anonymity has caused me to be less inclined to spill my proverbial guts…  But, that was a choice I made and shall proceed to share a part of myself with whoever chooses to read this.

During the week that passed, I found myself considering the matter of personal truth.  That gut feeling, the one that sometimes tells you what you should be doing rather than what you want to be doing… I don’t necessarily mean your conscience; I mean something more than that, I dare say, like a “voice of reason”.  I have to admit, I don’t always like listening to mine-it often tends to ruin my fun.  But-yes the elusive but… Upon listening to that overly honest voice, I always find I have peace.  This voice can be likened to those brutally honest friends; you know the ones who, at times, seem to have little regard for your feelings but very high regard for your wellbeing.  These friends are so necessary but one should also be able to govern oneself in truth and reason.  To know what’s best for you and do the right thing-even if it cramps your style a tad.

Part of growing up I guess, is making decisions based on what‘s right and what’s best for you.  Here comes the “doozie” though, how does one determine what’s RIGHT and BEST?  I have found my answer to that-turns out I had the answer all along-it has been here in me all along and I am ashamed to say that sometimes I simply tuck it away in my mind because it doesn’t “suit” me…

For me, as a Christian, that voice has always been there and the “fundamentals of truth” have been instilled in me from a young age.  The problem comes when my mind, which is pretty much always chewing on some or other matter-to the point where that “matter” is at times tasteless and devoid of everything it once was when I am done with it… I over think things - deliberate and deliberate again.  This is not always a good thing though and doing so can smother the “voice of honesty” which is trying so hard to simply show me the RIGHT way… 

This may sound rather strange but I feel that at times my feelings get in the way of the REAL TRUTH. Fear is a huge factor for me, when I am afraid of something I tend to avoid it…  Though I can say that I have overcome so many fears of late, I still tend to sway from certain fearful matters.  There are other situations where I have realized that I purposefully avoid direct eye contact with those eyes of truth which often look upon me –waiting for me to connect my gaze with the TRUTH.  But, many times I don’t… because it means not having or enjoying something I want (as said above).  I am quite guilty of doing things even though I know I mustn’t- being fully aware that the TRUTH is these things are WRONG, yet I have repeatedly found ways of “justifying” my actions, soothing my conscience, allowing my feelings and wants to overpower what I know to be WRONG.

At the end of the day, I am responsible and accountable and I am quite sure that I will spend a significant part of my life (if not my entire life-which seems more likely), fighting the internal battle of truth verses want.

How much easier it would be, if simply doing what I want was… less effortless…